On 9/11, like many of us in California, I was awoken by a phone call.
My aunt was on the other line asking where my parents were.
“New York,” I answered still groggy. “No, I think they’re in Washington, DC.”
She suggested I turn on the TV and try to reach them.
Turns out my parents were in Washington, DC on business for the Amy Biehl Foundation.
They were on their way out the door of their hotel to the Capitol Building where they were to meet with a catering company to prepare for a reception they were hosting for the Congressional Black Caucus on the topic of AIDS in South Africa.
My parents were safe having dodged a bullet that day, but thousands had not been so fortunate.
I was on bed rest with my middle son at that time, trying to stay still so I could carry him to term. I remember wondering what kind of world I was bringing him into.
The tragedy ushered into our lives the uncertainty that so many have lived with throughout the world for so long. The uncertainty forced us to confront so much about what we thought to be true about the world and the trajectory of our lives and our nation.
We were challenged, in essence, to find a new sense of meaning.
Yesterday, I heard a young man interviewed on the radio who had lost his father on that horrible day. He said of his loss, “it makes me live my life to the fullest knowing how precious life is.” I wept as I smiled.
Research shows that over time we can follow a variety of paths following trauma. We can survive, we can recover, or we can thrive. The path of survival involves losing a degree of our original happiness and motivation. It is certainly an understandable outcome. Recovery involves eventually returning to our status quo level of being, which is a good goal indeed. The third path is to thrive, and it involves an actual transformation where - through it all - you end up functioning at a higher level than you had been before. It’s a space where new sources of energy and unexpected possibilities lie. With post-traumatic growth, the more concerted your effort in coping meaningfully, the more likely it is you will thrive.
It doesn’t mean you are always happy and never angry or sad. It only means that simultaneously you are growing as a person and embracing your new-found outlook and strength. It means that you can live more consciously and fully through life’s ups and downs - both of which are guaranteed to come. It means that maybe you could host a news conference on Capitol Hill when the time is right!
As Sonya Lyubomirsky puts it in The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, “There’s absolutely nothing good about tragedy and loss, but something of value can come from the struggle in the aftermath.”
Think on it.
With love,
Molly
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