I was in New Mexico when the couple with whom I was staying told me about the shooting at the Poway, California synagogue just down the freeway from my home.
I checked my Facebook to make sure the people I knew and loved were safe. Fortunately, they were, so I continued about my business of being on vacation. I made the conscious decision to learn about what happened once I arrived home. Once at home, my ex-husband informed me that the woman who died, Lori Kaye, was the wife of a colleague of his at Scripps. Immediately, I felt overwhelmed with the thought of it all. How does this keep happening? How is there so much hate? I tried to imagine the scene and put myself in Lori’s shoes, hoping I could have been that courageous. Like all of us, I felt immense sadness for the community, for Dr. Kaye and their daughter, Hannah. As we spoke about it, I noticed that we were both shaking our heads, yet again not knowing what to say or do. An all too familiar response that felt so stupid and useless. With my son sitting right there it bothered me that I couldn’t offer any meaningful guidance about how to handle this difficult situation, how to allow ourselves to feel while not being paralyzed by fear or sadness and how not to be desensitized to violence. Luckily, I came across some insight by Srikumar Rao, PhD who, in his discussions on the healthy handling of emotions, affirmed for me that whenever you find yourself emotionally affected by something, especially if the emotions are strong, you have to do something. Says Bob Dylan, “You cannot turn your head and pretend that you just don’t see.” You have to act. But what to do? I rarely know. Dr. Rao suggests starting by picking a situation that really troubles you, then reading up on it to become truly knowledgeable about it. Understand the scope of the problem and learn about the groups that are working to fix it. “Then reach out and do your bit,” he says, setting limits on yourself around how much time you can contribute or even money you can give. Try to be as effective as you can within the parameters you have given yourself. Pick the cause and do something concrete. This helps you go from feeling helpless to being helpful. From speechless to informed. You will feel authentic in your response to the situation. And, if we all do our bit, the scales will tip from hate to love. In celebration of Lori and so many others, what “bit” can we do today? Love, Molly
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